Impulse Pictures / Synapse DVD
Review by David Bertrand


God shine a light upon the horny devils over at Impulse Pictures for unearthing a goldmine of retro erections over these last few years, most notably the Nikkatsu Roman Porno films from Japan, and Germany’s teen nymph bus ride to softcore heaven, Schulmadchen Report, aka Schoolgirl Report. An iconic Euro-smut phenomenon of the 70’s, Impulse has been pumping out the entire series to DVD, and just released lucky #8, titled What Parents Must Never Know.

Casting mostly amateurs, the Schoolgirl Report films were cranked out quick, fast and cheap, based on the popular and controversial books of Dr. Günther Hunold, who interviewed teenagers of the blooming free-love era about their sexual habits. Using the “aufklärungsfilme” (sex education film) loophole as a smokescreen for titillation and exploitation, the first film by director Ernst Hofbauer and producer Wolfgang Hartwig was an enormous hit, topping the German box office and earning many times its slim production costs. It spawned 12 successful sequels, and fittingly, these saucy boot-knockers bookend the entire sexplosive decade, with the first hitting screens in 1970, and the last in 1980, the series’ popularity waning after the ban on hardcore pornography was lifted in Germany in 1975, robbing the novelty away from Schoolgirl Report’s comparatively tame T&A…

Part #8 begins with a field trip, the girls aboard the school bus recounting sexy stories (all dramatized in flashback) and indulging in some new romps along the way. A spoiled rich girl seduces her family’s country bumpkin gardener (who moans over a poster of Swedish starlet and Schoolgirl Report alumnus Christina Lindberg!), two teens make a pact with a horny young buck that he can’t lay their uptight biology professor (which he does, by staging – then heroically interrupting – an attempted rape?), a giggling summertime frolic among female cousins is upset by a creepy local fisherman, followed by a slow-mo boob-bouncing naked escape à la The Meaning of Life, and the film climaxes in a real banger of a tableau for anyone bemoaning contemporary cinema’s lack of German teens in bikinis encircled by mooing cows.

I love nubile debutantes as much as anyone, but the biggest rewards of the Schoolgirl Report series might be the funky, playful instrumental soundtrack tunes courtesy of the Gert Wilden & Orchestra, highlights of which can be found on the absolutely essential party-starting LP Schulmadchen Report: Schoolgirl Report  & Other Music from Sexy German Films (1968-1972), released by Crippled Dick Hot Wax! For further reading and poster art to ogle over, highly recommended is Cathal Tohill & Pete Tombs’ Immoral Tales: European Sex & Horror Movies, 1956-1984, which tells the Schoolgirl Report series’ hormonally hyperdrived history in dirty detail.

About the author:

David Bertrand

David Bertrand is the Operations Manager for the Fantasia International Film Festival, a writer for Fangoria Magazine and DJ at Toronto's Fear Street.


Comment guidelines, edit this message in your Wordpress admin panel